What is Meant By "Toxic Masculinity," Anyway?

From Odysseus (The Odyssey (2026) rocked, by the way) to King Arthur to Holden Caulfield, defining healthy and unhealthy masculinity has been a task of all human civilizations. And no doubt the definition continues to evolve (or not, as we'll see) throughout the eras. Entire volumes of books have been written on and classes taught about this very subject. Let's try to break it down to some basics.

Masculinity or masculine identity is defined by the normative traits a society believes a man should hold in relation to boys, women, and less masculine men. Some in current thinking, such as Rosalind Wiseman, author of Masterminds and Wingmen, refer to this as the ALMB - the "Act Like a Man Box" - the traits that boys and men value in one another and believe should be exhibited by men, and can be judged for having or not having. I.e. "Come on, toughen up, and act like a man!"

As gender roles for women have evolved in the past century or so, I wish I could write that most modern men had healthily evolved their beliefs on masculinity as well, but thinking about it, it seems many core beliefs of men have remained static (and that's part of the problem - what we call today "toxic"). Though the fine details have changed since paleolithic times, in this age of hyper-capitalism, wealth and status continue to be highly defining factors for men. Here's a basic list of what we're talking about:

Unhealthy/Toxic Masculine Traits/Beliefs

• Being purely self-reliant and not needing help

• Not being vulnerable with male peers/not showing weakness

• Highly valuing wealth and believing it is a measurement of personal value

• Feeling a constant need to compete with peers, often in terms of wealth, romantic partners, or other forms of success

• Making more money than your female romantic partner

• Believing accepting mental health treatment or other forms of help would be a sign of weakness

• Believing a Man should have more "power" in the household than his wife

• Not valuing altruism - belief that people should be self-reliant and personally responsible for themselves

• Seeking approval from powerful male peers or figures

• Belief that helping professions - such as teaching- are less valuable and should be employed by women

• Criticizing other men when they show weakness or appear to lack masculinity

Believing in moderation as I do, I don't think all of these beliefs are inherently evil; indeed, there is a time and place for strength, resilience, and being a provider for your family. But the heart of the issue is that many men cannot be psychologically flexible enough to venture from these beliefs. The beliefs remain, as I say, "static" and remain what defines male identity for many. Some men feel trapped in them, trapped in the "Act Like a Man Box," within the reality that the only figure they can be vulnerable with is their female romantic partner, as being vulnerable will be judged and rejected by other men.

Again, I realize change is gradual and many men seek a sense of stability and assurance in their beliefs. But there are solutions, clear models of healthy masculinity and beliefs, that we can draw out, with inspiration from figures as universal as Keanu Reeves or Barack Obama:

Healthy Masculine Traits/Beliefs

• Accepting help and guidance

• Accepting a man doesn't need to be the best at everything

• Showing vulnerability in seeking help and acknowledging one lacks ability to cope with their stressors

• Showing exterior emotional expression, such as crying

• Serving others

• Acknowledging the needs and agency of women

• Accepting women can be more skilled, powerful, and better compensated than men

• Having empathy for others who are struggling instead of criticizing them

• Mentoring others who are less experienced or skilled

• Belief that other things besides wealth and status have value and can define a person

• Not seeking the approval of more powerful males

• Accepting alternative voices and expression, such as female created art, have value

• Being comfortable trying new things outside of mainstream norms

Thus the path of healthy masculinity is set and we shall all now walk it. I kid, I realize this is a process that will take generations and many steps forward and backward. But as they say: 'a question well asked is half solved.' And by just defining what we're talking about when we say "toxic masculinity" or healthy masculinity, some of us can truly begin to walk the better path.